Over the last several months the Council has been working with me on integrating the Dark side. Now you would think that I, who have been teaching and sometimes preaching this issue since the beginning of this work back in 1996, would have this down by now. Not so, my friends. I still have much to learn. Through their loving guidance and teachings, I have been able to see the Dark in a whole new way and at a much higher level. I am told that we come to the understandings of the higher realms one step or level at a time, and this one is no different. It is one of those teachings that I wish to share with you now, for it has helped me to finally ascend out of the pit of financial despair.
Back in January of this year, Jonathan and I were facing some real financial challenges. The last of our savings was gone and try as we might we could not sell the big ticket items, a Harley and a Corvette, to acquire more money to support us and this work. For weeks on end we tried to sell both items, running ads in the local papers, without success. Finally we understood that something was blocking their sale. And to add insult to injury, Jonathan had just received notice that a court case against his former company had been thrown out and he was now eligible to be paid several thousand dollars that had been owed to him by the plaintiff. We could not get to that money either. So, here we were sitting on at least $60,000 and no way to get to it. Can you imagine the frustration?
So one night I went into a major tirade accusing the Council and my other guides of not coming through for me, of not being clear with me when I had asked over and over what was causing the block. After the tears were spent and I lay in bed exhausted, the answer came. The block was being caused by my not moving forward to begin holding workshops. I thought I would fall off the bed! Yes, there had been signs that this was the problem, such as Nancy Joy telling me over the phone the week earlier that I was afraid to do workshops, and, of course, other people suggesting that I begin workshops, etc. But, like a blockhead I refused to hear them.
Soon after, I got in touch with why I was scared through a conscious self-regression. I counted backwards to three and then saw myself in a previous lifetime. I was running through the woods fleeing a group of men who were hunting me. It seems that I had been a teacher in an esoteric school and it had suddenly become politically unpopular. In particular, I had been teaching women about their inherent power and how to use it effectively. As I moved forward in time, I saw that I had been protected by virtue of my marriage to one of the town fathers. Obviously this didn’t last, so here I was running through the woods trying to flee these men who were ready to hang me. Perhaps I had gone too far in teaching those women to use their power. In any case, my painful death and being ripped from my children and shamed in the process was what was stopping me from holding workshops in this lifetime. It was also why I would not call myself a teacher.
So, now I understood what was between me and making money. I also understood that until I released this block I would continue wallowing in the pit of financial despair. So how did I do it? I called to my Soul (I call her Maebel Lee) and said, Maebel Lee, show me the way to integrate this fear of being a teacher again. I am willing but I am scared!
Then I went to my Ego (Jessie) and had a little meeting in our special place, you know, the one you create for your Soul and Ego and you to meet. First I encouraged her to express her fears. In my mind, she took my hand and led me through a series of visions where I had died from doing this work. I told her, based on what you have shown me, you have every right to feel the way you do. I appreciate you sharing this with me and, as the head of our team, I choose to ask Maebel Lee to allow the triggers to come forward to help me integrate this fear. Are you with me? I asked. Since I had validated her fears, she felt assured that I had heard her and was making the decision that was in her best interest. Then I said, I’m still going to move forward to integrate this fear. Will you work with me? After some negotiation we set up an agreement with each other to hold one workshop, then after the workshop was over, we would meet again to discuss the outcome, and if it was good, then I would set up another one. We agreed to take baby steps to integrate the fear.
Within days the triggers began. Maebel Lee was true to her word. I felt I was in the greatest darkness of all because the triggers included being willing to lose the friendship and support of three people who had walked beside me almost from the beginning.
I had to reach into my power chakra to hold my boundaries. I had to reach into my creative/sexual chakra to bring forth the information for the workshop. I had to reach into my base chakra to draw upon its power to keep grounded and able to discern whether I was on track or not. All around me the pillars of my life were crumbling. Friends were angry with me and walking away. I was making the choice to let go of doing things the way I had always done them in doing this work. And, there was nothing yet, no new ideas to take their place. I was in the void big time!
The first date for the first workshop came and went with no one signing up. I tried hard to keep a positive attitude about it, but it was fading fast. Then I set another workshop date and again no one showed. Now, I was really beginning to think that I had screwed up. This went on for two more workshops. By this time I was ready to quit, and I did, several times, but then each time Devin would talk to me and encourage me to go on. I would agree, though sometimes rather reluctantly, and persevered. It paid off. My next workshop held in May had three participants. After that the amount of people signing up began to increase. By the time July rolled around, two of the workshops (there are six) were filling up and we were finally, for the first time in many months, able to pay all of our monthly bills on time and get most of our back bills caught up.
With each workshop, I still go into a little panic over whether I can do it. I still have fears that I will not meet the expectations of the participants due to the fact that I allow the information to flow, and don’t use an agenda. I still think this is wrong sometimes, but each time, it gets easier. So the moral of this story is that when we use our Dark chakras, our lower chakras, to integrate the fears that keep us from making money, we release the block that keeps us from being financially secure.
So you see, the ability to make money does, indeed, come from the Dark.
Written July 1999
“What I find most intriguing is that I have returned to the sense of self I felt as a child after I had returned to computers/technology. It feels like I have picked up where I had left off so many years ago, and it feels great. The return to this path wasn’t without its upheavals, however, but it was worth it. I take pleasure in helping others through computers, so much that I believe that this is where I’m doing my lightwork. Now I’m getting all kind of offers for advice and suggestions and referrals for computer work! But you know, not once was I afraid of changing my life back to my childhood path, because somehow I knew things would be alright. Love and Light.” Tony