The whole reason that I wrote this lengthy article was actually unknown to me at the time that I started the writing and even, to some degree, throughout the days that I was writing it. One of the reasons, I can now say in retrospect, was for me to get clear on what had occurred and why … also to be clear about what had been accomplished. I needed to intellectually understand very clearly and be emotionally connected as well. Those things I can now report have come to fruition for me. In addition, as the article reached its long awaited ending, I hoped to be able to make a point or two. My hope is that those of you who have persevered and read to the end might learn something useful from my experiences that may be of benefit for you and/or your loved ones. So now’s as good a time as ever to take a shot at that one.
Suicide as an Option
During my experiences with Josephine and Patricia and my life conditions in general at that time, there was, with various intensities, the playing of what I call my suicide tapes. This is, for me, a place where there is much rage and helplessness combined with the absolute belief that it can not be changed no matter what I do. For me, it starts with the fantasy of a good way to die, something that’s acceptable by certain standards in various categories that I might have. For instance, I have considerations about minimizing the pain and impact on my loved ones, so I might start planning a place to go where they would not find me. I might also focus on the least painful way to get it done since I’m feeling at the time like I just can’t stand anymore pain. The list goes on and on and even includes how to handle life insurance proceeds as well. Usually, I can’t come up with all the elements I need to complete a confirmed plan which leaves some things for me to do later which I seem, in the saner moments that follow, to never get done.
I end up playing out various scenarios and plans making adjustments along the way until I get exhausted with the whole obsession and become convinced that today, right now, nothing will work. I also seem to know that if I was really serious, the majority of the planning wouldn’t really be necessary…I would not really care about most of it. So it seems that the obsession to think and plan suicide is more important to me that the doing it. Maybe, in the past, it’s just really been important to have it there as an option… representing that relief and peace are possible, even though I know and have known as long as I can remember that it really won’t work because of a nagging concern. That concern is my own conviction that the moment that I find myself free of my body, I would have the sinking realization that this act was indeed a serious error. Words even go through my mind, “Oh no, not this again!” Worse, I imagine that my state of mind wouldn’t change and then I’d be stuck without my 3D body and the consensus reality that went with it, which then somehow hits me as even worse than the way things are in the here and now. Then I once again realize that I’ve been through this scenario countless times over countless years only to end up the same way. In fact, I really can’t remember any suicide scenario that I created ever ending any differently.
At this point you may ask, “Why did you continue with such a fruitless endeavor?” I can only reply that the idea that there was a choice to escape the pain of this reality, this body and this lifetime was enough of a payoff while I was in it; that the inevitable dead end that would send me back to staying in this world was something that I would imagine might just change, if I could only concoct the right scenario. So there we have it – doing the same thing over and over again, getting the same result, and yet expecting something different. I guess that’s either a terrific example of true perseverance or pure insanity … maybe it’s both! I do know that in typing all this right now I have to resist hitting the delete key as it’s still painful to think about, even though it’s not that way for me any more. It feels embarrassing, too … like the insanity that I’ve fought all my life to control and conceal is being revealed here on the internet and things will never be the same. True, of course, they won’t.
That one time that I did attempt suicide, before my sobriety, I had actually reached that rare state of really not caring. I was in such a state of helplessness and perceived failure at the time, that no fear of failure could deter my actions that day. On an unconscious level, however, I must have been true to the intent of my life blueprint. For, as I’ve already revealed, there were not enough pills to get it done even though the bottle was full. I can’t even give up and fail when I do give up! Maybe that happened so that now I would know the difference.
So the purpose of what I’ve written is to share with you the extreme difficulty of getting to that elusive point, for some of us anyway, of what I’ll call spiritual sobriety… that state of being where I totally take responsibility for my life blueprint and the lessons on it, no matter how painful, with no option to bailout. It’s like the obsession to drink under the belief that there is still an option…when in truth there is not. It’s like that time when I awoke after 7 months in and out of the hospital program without getting my sobriety and freedom from my obsession to drink and use – the point where I just knew it was over. I was not going to drink and use no matter what. I had over 9 weeks in that protected, controlled environment with at least twelve counselors to assist and guide me, and yet nothing really worked until I made up my mind that, “This is it – I’m done!”
By comparison, the suicide option has haunted me and caressed me with the temptation of freedom and peace. With alcohol and cocaine the promise was, “Take a drink/hit and it will be better,” and for many years it was better, from my living perspective. I made a lot of money and had a lot of sex using these chemical spirits, and that’s not so bad. At the time those were my priorities, and now that I think about it, I wouldn’t mind having a bunch of both of them right now along with all this spirituality! Then the promise became a lie with no mention of the consequences, physically and psychologically, later that day or certainly in the morning. With suicide, it was “Be free and at peace,” with no mention of the life after this one or the consequences to me and to others in this and other realities.
How Suicide Became Not an Option
When I knew I was in trouble was the day I was discussing suicide with Patricia and she spoke of her own suicide ideations that plagued her in her first years of her own sobriety. She said one day she decided that suicide was no longer an option. She said she just gave it up. I knew at the time that she was on to something, but the idea scared me. I knew that even with the huge commitment that I made and the pain I had been through living out that commitment to do the work I had done, I had never gotten to that level of commitment with my own life here on this planet. I always kept open the option to “slip out the back, Jack.” Yes, I knew she was on to something and I didn’t like it, not a bit. I knew intuitively that I would have to get to that point myself and I had no idea how to do that. This was similar to that point that I got to before I got sober: “That’s it, I’m done!” I knew that I most assuredly did not want to let go of the option to quit and run, even though I didn’t really think I’d ever use it. I guess I liked keeping it there as a form of false security, as it was the only form of security that I could ever muster in those parts of my life.
I’ve found that you have to be very careful with these kinds of things because when you can’t see any way to move forward, there seems to be no way out. There’s a tendency to freak out and give up, maybe forgetting the whole thing. I think that if this thinking is allowed to occur unabated, it gives a whole new meaning to the concept of being stuck. What I’ve found to be true at such times is all I need to do at that point is to be willing. If I can’t be willing, then all I need to do is to be willing to be willing to find a way through and out. That’s all one needs, and it’s all I had when I began to free myself of this obsession and the pain that drove it and find my way to my “spiritual sobriety.” Fortunately, over time , I’ve formed a habit of dropping into this space of just pure willingness and I must have fallen into it that day of my suicide discussion with Patricia or soon thereafter. I was willing to give up the possibility of suicide/escape, because one day I awoke and something, I don’t remember what now, triggered me into enormous fear, panic and the unbridled shame of feeling that way, and yet the idea of suicide was gone. I became aware in my own mind that I had just decided that it wasn’t an option and that was it. Over. Complete. Done. What the hell, it only took 40+ years, but here I am to talk about it. Likewise, since then the obsession to commit suicide has diminished to mostly a memory as I’ve allowed all the various circumstances of this life here in California to be acceptable and not need to change for me to be OK. These circumstances I’ve described in my article, Walking in the Dark.
In order to accomplish this, however, I needed to create a context of living, as it is not enough to create a context to not die. This was very difficult for me because most days I was stuck in all those negative feelings. Most of the time, no matter what I did or what technique I used, I could not get free of the shame and terror. I could not find the real me. Unlike alcoholism, there was no support system to do this. I knew no one who felt this way much less anyone who had felt this way and found a way out. Those I did speak to either offered compassionate understanding of something they really couldn’t understand or criticism and fixes.
A Tool to Use
So the tool I used for creating my own context for living was a simple but well thought out written list of my goals. These were my goals for living. I wrote them out every morning upon awakening, changing and adding to them as I got new ideas. I also changed the order they were in and organized them by priorities, or groups are priorities. I began to notice that there was a difference between how I felt upon awakening, before I wrote out my goals, and how I felt after writing them out. This kind of kicked off my day and set a tone from which I could operate. Here’s a partial list of my goals for your reference:
- To complete my template at the highest level possible.
- To fully appreciate my role in the Polarity Integration Game on earth regardless of what it looks like or feels like.
- To be free and have fun – to learn how to flow.
- To be happy, fulfilled, satisfied, passionate, enthusiastic and loving.
- To be mentally and physically healthy, balanced, peaceful, energetic, safe and secure.
- To be wealthy, powerful, confident, successful, prosperous and knowledgeable.
- To be creative and to express my creativity in my life, my writing, and my business.
- To be mentally sharp with clear thinking and memory.
- To maximize the use and accuracy of my psychic abilities and conscious connection with my 9D father, my guides and my soul.
- To be fully in my integrity at all times and to be compassionate in all my affairs.
- To ask for help from my soul and guides when I need it, and then to let go and allow their help to be given. To stay in the consciousness of not needing to do it all myself.
- To be totally me, for me and my being, and to believe in myself. To express fully who I really am and to manifest what I want – my goals – in my daily life reality.
- To really know in my heart that everything that I experience is as it should be on a daily basis.
- To be in my own business, one that makes my heart flow and sing.
I then continued on with personal 3D goals involving income, paying bills and taxes, the type of place in which I wanted to live, the car I wanted to have, with whom I wanted to live, etc. The last goal that I added was to happily write articles, books, booklets, screenplays etc. about my soul growth experiences and multidimensional reality, and to counsel others.
Have I accomplished all these goals? Hardly. But I have accomplished some of them and partially accomplished some others. The point is to stay in daily touch with the goals as a purpose for living. They are the hope that didn’t exist before combined with my personal choice to believe that, if I persevere, I will manifest what I really want with no compromises as to who I really am and what I stand for. I wrote these goals out meticulously for months each morning until I reached a point where I was really comfortable with all 28 of them. Then I would only read them aloud each morning, occasionally writing them all when I felt drawn to do so. Some days when I read or write them, I rate each one at a percentage of completion being careful to see the glass as half full and appreciate what I really have in my life today. I’m also careful to explore how a goal may be manifesting in various ways, not just the way I had in mind when I wrote it. Since my happiness and peace of mind are no longer attached to accomplishment, the actual manifestation of anything doesn’t really play such a big part in how I feel. The self empowerment to choose what I want and allow it to come to me in the timing of my soul blueprint does affect how I feel in a big way.
How to Be a Creator
Now most of us see ourselves as creator gods and goddesses, but we really struggle in creating something that is the opposite of what we are experiencing, as I was. It’s like there’s nothing to build on … a missing belief system perhaps. The creation starts with the thought and then the words, and it is a state of being, not doing or having. For example, I don’t have happiness, I be happy. And I truthfully did not know that I could just be happy without arranging all kinds of stuff and people around me to be happy about. So I worked very hard at creating various states of being with these words, the possibility I am creating for myself and my life is the possibility of being happy.* Or being enthusiastic. Or being healthy. Since the thing that’s the easiest to create is the possibility of being, I’d walk along the beach each day saying these words out loud over and over, creating all the various states of being named in my goals. I knew it was affecting me because I could feel the state of being that I was creating in my chest around and above my heart. It often wouldn’t last long, but I had it in the moment. This turned out to be very self empowering, and it helped me get through each day. Over a long period of time, these states of being that I wanted, more and more became me.
What Is the Ultimate Darkness?
All these articles are written in a certain context, that which I call The Polarity Integration Game. By this I mean that each universe, including our own in which we are located, is set up as an evolutionary game for souls to play. Since we as souls are a part of Prime Creator, we are in actuality creator gods and goddesses, not victims. The Polarity Integration Game exists for the purpose of integrating the Light and the Dark. The dictionary defines integrate as to make into a whole by bringing all parts together. So indeed, it is our purpose here on earth to bring together the Light and the Dark, seeing and experiencing both as neither good nor bad but as having equal values. Likewise, all things have value….it’s just up to us to find it. It also means that as souls we ask other souls to play roles for us in various lifetimes that will bring us the lessons that we most want/need to learn.
The ultimate Darkness is something I’ve pondered for a long time. Is it the murderer who kills indiscriminately? Is it the sociopath who has no conscience and speaks only for his/her own benefit at any cost with no regard for truth? Or is it the one who abducts children, sexually molests them, and then murders the innocent?
Perhaps, none of the above … perhaps in order to answer the question I need to create a context called me. In other words, what is my Ultimate Darkness? I think I’ve described it in these articles, and as mundane as it may sound, I believe it represents what those who are playing a Dark role will go through when the roles are no longer required. I see it is a direct connection and they, and likewise some of you, will need to go through these feelings and your own experiences to integrate the Light and reach a true state of compassion, the state of balance where everything has a value, including our own particular darkness.
In creating a template for reptilian beings in particular, my life has included not having the things around me that give me security and feelings of being useful. Likewise, those who are playing a Dark role will likely lose all that they hold dear … money, power and fame. I had to reach acceptance of being in a state of feeling abandoned, isolated, useless, hopeless and shameful all at the same time … along with a complete inability to change those circumstances no matter what I did, how hard I tried or what guidance I followed. This goes radically against the nature of any reptilian being. My understanding is that it just isn’t allowed in our consciousness, and being of the Dark there is tremendous unbridled fear of being in such a state. It is also my understanding that as those reptilian coded individuals who are very polarized to the Dark begin to have an option to integrate the Light and be released from their roles, they will be faced with these feelings of abandonment, isolation, uselessness, hopelessness and shame beyond imagination. I believe that this will be their ultimate darkness, and it is my hope that they can use this template to find their way through and out to the integration point of compassion.
In closing, it has certainly been a paradox in this life, living in my world of perfection and the fear of failure, and at the same time holding on to the one thing that would certainly be considered to be the greatest failure – giving up on my mission of this lifetime. And yet the times of feeling intense fear, pain and terror verging on panic does still come at times when triggered. I have noticed that the duration and intensity of these feelings have decreased as I finish this article just after the first of September, 2005. Instead of the dark cloud of hopelessness every day, there is now something that for so long eluded me in Kansas City. There is now a sense of hope within me, and it wasn’t put there by anyone but me. As much as Jelaila had tried to give me that, she could not. It was up to me to find it and I have. Instead of depression and despair almost all the time, I now feel happy within me even though the circumstances of my life are not at all what I want them to be or what I usually require to be comfortable. I am comfortable just because I am comfortable. I am happy today just because I am happy. I have discovered that I can actually be happy, just for the sake of happiness. I don’t have to justify it or generate it from an outside reason, or have it be reasonable. I can and do create peace by daily acceptance that everything in my life is as it should be on a daily basis. That constant feeling that something is terribly wrong has decreased immensely and now is often not present at all. I even appreciate, emotionally and intellectually, that the life that I’ve had and am having, is a great life and a great accomplishment. And I can appreciate it regardless of what it looks like to others … because I know what it’s all been about. I also take full responsibility for what it really is, regardless of agreement or disagreement from others. Most of the time I feel great about it all, and when I don’t, I just don’t for awhile. And that too is all a part of this life, and is acceptable to me, and when it’s not acceptable, I know it soon will be.
I’m learning to flow, as my wife would say … and that just ain’t natural for one such as I. For dragons like me, it’s gotta be learned, and I am learning.
*I learned this technology at a workshop called the Landmark Form.
Written September 2005