When we understand the pain behind our mother’s actions, we can release them with compassion …
There’s something about mothers that is so special. Maybe its their hugs and kisses, or maybe it’s the way they can look into our eyes and make us feel we are the most important person in the world. And maybe its all of that … and more. But when our mothers don’t do these things, and instead, do the opposite, we are left with the scars of emotional neglect. But that is not all, the dysfunctional relationship patterns created from that neglect make it almost impossible to draw partners able to have healthy, balanced and emotionally satisfying relationships. Today’s message is for those struggling to these mother issues.
This story was inspired by Lorie (not her real name). Lori and I had been working for several months to help her release the blocks that were keeping her stuck in near chronic depression. After gaining valuable insights and practical tools during her weekend retreat with me, Lori had returned home to continue the work.
A couple of months went by before I heard from her again. Then, just last week Lori called me; she had had a breakthrough–but didn’t know what to do with it.
I’m Just Like My Mother!
Lori’s big breakthrough was to discover that she had adopted many of her mother’s negative traits. Some examples.
Narrow mindedness with resistance to allowing the ideas of others to enter into her little world.
Very controlling with a tendency to isolate herself unless she was in control.
Like her mom, Lori felt that she had no right to ask for what she wanted because to do so meant that she was wicked, therefore, not deserving of heaven.
To say she was shocked was in understatement.
Using the Formula of Compassion
Lori wanted to know how to apply the Formula of Compassion (Formula) to all these traits so that she could release her mom from blame and be able to heal. The idea of taking her mom through the Formula on each one (there was a list of ’em) was not only daunting but down right overwhelming. What to do?
I explained to Lori that there was no need to take her mom through the Formula on each one. What was important was to release her from them all by understanding the fears and beliefs that drove the negative behaviors … the same fear and beliefs that caused Lori to behave in like manner.
I Don’t have a Right to Exist
Beneath her mother’s fears was the belief that she was taught as a young child growing up in a heavily fundamentalist religion: You don’t have a right to exist; you must earn it by serving God and others. It was this belief that was behind her mother’s controlling, condemning behavior. You could say that Lori’s mom was trying to criticize Lori into a perfect person so that Lori could be worthy of heaven when she died. And because her mom totally believed that it took total selfless service and devotion to God, out of love for her daughter she determined to do all she could to help her daughter be worthy.
To do so meant that her mom had to give up any right to ask for what she wanted, or to receive from others … because that would be considered selfish and selfishness is wicked. This meant that Lori’s mom lived her life not feeling worthy to be happy and therefore experiencing only guilt-filled moments of it. Such behavior leaves one feeling used, undervalued and ultimately hopeless. What is at the core of depression? Hopelessness.
Apply the 2nd Key of Compassion (Contracts and Promises), we then turned to look at the soul contract between Lori and her mom. The contract called for her mom to show Lori how she did or didn’t nurture herself and the beliefs behind both. Lori saw that her mom was unable to nurture her in the way she needed because of the above mentioned beliefs.
Lori also realized why her mother chose to criticize her instead … and that was her mom’s ways of showing love; preparing her for the Kingdom of God.
So it wasn’t that her mom didn’t love her, it was that her mom was so driven by fear that keeping Lori from hell was her overriding concern.
Recognizing how her mom had suffered and why, Lori was easily able to release her mom from blame, thus letting go of the huge burden of anger she had carried towards her mom for years.
In closing, we choose our mom’s for a reason. The key is to find that reason, and when we do, if the loving has been painful, to release our moms so that we all can heal.