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commentsComments on: Suicide is Not an Option, Part 1, 2 & 3:


Hey Jonathan,

I just read Part 2, I quite enjoyed it, I can totally relate to your story.
Knowing about your experiences and struggles is helping me too.  And oh my God the last couple of paragraphs reminded me of "V for Vendetta" (if you haven't seen the movie you have to!) the movie, the girl is willing to live free or die so to speak...and in her willingness to die for her free mind - she is given a better life, just like your phone call from your son.

I'll read Part 3 tomorrow.

-Laura Boak

Hi again Jonathan,

I really liked part 3!  Thank you for being so honest about yourself, it's enriching to read that kind of writting.  And thank you for the template work on this subject of helping reptilian encoded people find a way out of the shame.  Money, Power and Fame...those fucking things have ruled my existence on this planet (probably for every life on earth I've lived).  I have felt like a waste without them.  I've felt great shame of not living up to my potential, and of not impressing enough people or the right people.

Events have come to a head this spring that have shown me that I may never have money, power and fame.  So, I've spent the past month mourning them.

And about a week ago my guides convinced me that I am enough without those 3 things.  So, I play new tapes in my head now, I wont lie - it's God Damn hard sometimes to override the negative self talk.  Lord Nibiru give me the strength not to revert back to the old tapes!

Your articles have comforted me because I know now that you understand. And you've given me hope.  Oh shit, here come the God Damn tears!

My guides urged me not to read part 2 & 3 until just yesterday...If I read them earlier maybe I could have risked thwarting some growth, I guess.  I will be thinking about this template and I will practice accepting myself as I am every moment. Thanks man!


Dear Jonathan,

Thank you so much for "Suicide is not an option"!  I really had thought that I myself was done with this issue but I have discovered after reading your articles that I was not. I have discovered, very well hidden someplace, that I still considered suicide as an OPTION. Just in case it is going to be too tough, like having to bear too much pain or needing too much help from others because of physical conditions or in case I would become very old, feeling that soon I would be in too much physical pain also not able to look after myself. These are all possible scenarios but very far away from my present 3D reality. I'm doing really good right now. But after reading your article I had to look at these scenarios. What an unpleasant thing!

Just a few weeks ago my grandmother died after being in incredible pain, I accompanied her and I realized so profoundly how much she had to suffer. I thought that whatever life may bring I would never ever want to be in her situation. I rejected it completely. I also did not want to become as old as her, unable to leave the house any longer hardly able to walk around. I told to myself that it would be unacceptable for me, I would never tolerate that. The consequence is to die before it happens.. but what if you don't ?! You would have to do something about it which means: suicide, so to be sure that you escape!

But I am through now with my decision! I had a thorough look at this, a quite overwhelming painful look and I have taken the decision that: Suicide is NOT an option IN NO CASE which made me feel depressed at once because now there is no "escape" any longer. I will have to face it whatever it will be like, in case I will become old like her. No matter how painful, I will keep going even if it was "far beyond anything bearable", even if I had to bear the same pains my grandma had to - this is the most horrible thing I can think of right now.. After all, if I had to suffer of dotage, I could still refuse to eat and eventually refuse to drink which would make me die faster, that is no suicide isn't it? My grandma received , thank God, strong painkillers similar to morphine which also helped her die faster and that is OK, too, I think. This also made me think of the many people that day in incredible pain with no possibility to have any pain killers, that is even much worse!

There is another efficient method: to walk-out and maybe walk back in after a few "modifications" for recovery. When I walked out at the beginning of this summer, I was so tired of everything, I just had enough of it all and I wanted to leave, I had no greater desire. The only thing that kept me alive was a feeling of being responsible for my existence. I could not possibly answer for leaving my daughter behind with no mother at the age of 12 or leaving my parents behind, when actually they are supposed to die before their daughter. Last fall I have worked on DNA -recoding (I did not know the technique of the Nibiruan Council back then) and I desperately wanted to finish it as fast as possible. Now that I consciously know what the deadline for finishing the HAARP-network was, I can see why I intuitively knew that I had to hurry so much. The point is that I was going so fast that my body was almost killed during the recoding-process and that was when I started to worry about my daughter being left with no mom and so on. I also felt that it would be a great waste if this body died. After all, this apartment where I stay and this life is filled with everything that you need to keep going! I think these are all things that one should also consider when thinking of suicide.
Even months after the new walk-in had arrived I still had problems to let go of my existence. I was concerned about several things like how is the new walk-in going to handle the situation with my daughter, is my daughter going to accept her? But while I was worrying about all these things, I was in good physical condition, therefore this issue is different from the one above (with the decayed body).

I understand that soon after being back (the walk-in left and I walked back in, while I am apparently only a quarter of the person I used to be, the rest is composite), I was scheduled to leave again to provide this body for another walk-in. This option really stressed me but I am thankful that it is also considered whether I want to walk-out right now or not and that the walk-out is not forced on me. Looks like I had the option to walk-out if I feel I cannot make it. But I had to find out myself first, what I wanted to do, my Guides helped me. "By chance" I watched the end of a movie on video because it was not wound back. One of the main characters made a last statement before he died which goes something like: "I have lived this life on Earth and now I am leaving, maybe I will go to the stars now and it is the place where I actually belong to." At this moment I started to cry because I realized that I do belong to the star but that I don't want to leave because I love my life here on Earth because my heart is here now. This is my body and my life and I even love the exact place where I stay now (I used to hate it a lot, I wanted to stay in Frankfurt/Germany instead of in the South of Germany)!

It looks like I will be staying on Earth but I also have the confidence that if I really want to go, I will be able to walk-out and maybe get back later. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the ideas and thoughts I seem to have at the same time and I need quite some energy to stop them out because I can't take them all. But it is fine, I can handle it: I pretend that I am simple instead of complex for a while. One day should be longer in fact, much longer than 24 hours!

In your article I was very impressed by the goal write-up. This is so broad! It reminded me of a tool of Scientology which is also about writing up your goals and about working out how to achieve them, that is the so called "Admin-Scale". One difference is that there was no goal write-up done by L. Ron Hubbard (the founder) in that context, one had no guidance concerning the goals, you had to figure out your goals. Your goal write-up gives a lot of orientation which is great!
What I could add here is that a failed goal in your life makes you feel tired and exhausted all the time. So if one feels like that, one should have a look whether a goal was failed to achieve. Then one can rehabilitate that blocked goal by looking at the fact that one had the goal in the first place. Then the enthusiasm would come back and you would feel much more alive.
I also think that the ultimate darkness is not knowing who you are. It is an awareness-level of non-existence (spiritually) or of being objects/bodies, I would express it that way.

This email got a bit too long but it had to be this way..


Dear Jonathan,

When you wrote the article a few months ago about what you were going through, that you were so depressed and feeling lost, etc., I thought about writing to you, but I did not.  I did, however, send you in consciousness, all of the thoughts, love, compassion, understanding, and best wishes that I had for you then.  I know that these reached you on another level.

However, as I am reading these articles (Part 1, 2, and 3), I have decided to write to you this time.  I am happy for you that you are "out of the woods", so to speak - that you are happier, more hopeful, and are seeing life through more empowering perspectives.  I love it.

Thank you for writing all of these articles - for your honesty and sharing
so much of yourself and your experiences.  Thank you for not hitting the
delete key on what you did express in the articles.  I do not have judgments on you.  I do have a great deal of respect, compassion, and gratitude for you for being who you are and doing what you are doing.  I have felt many of the same/similar emotions in my life - at least I think that I can relate to some of what you experienced - we can't ever really know another's experience, because if we could, then we'd be them.  And I, too, a few years ago, decided that suicide was not an option for me.  I had always had a sort of comfort in thinking of it as a "Plan B" if things ever got too bad and unbearable from that trapped and no-way-out, hopeless, bottomless pit feeling.  You really "hit the nail on the head" (thought you'd like that expression, as you were once in the construction business . . . not to mention that it is a good analogy) when you said that you just finally made the decision to change . . . that's the key . . . when we finally make a decision.  

I learned from Ramtha and his teachings that suicide isn't an escape, as I too had thought it would be.  That pissed me off, in a way, that my Plan B had been taken away from me (even though I've created everything in my life - but most of it was unconsciously, or subconsciously).  And from a different perspective, it was really a blessing, because I too am here to write this and to create a different, more productive, or evolved outcome this lifetime.  I have the sense that in other lives, I had committed suicide.  And I had probably gone the path of drugs and not recovered from it (which means I "died"), which is probably why in this lifetime I had an instinctual knowing that if I went the path of drug addiction, I wouldn't come out of it.  But choosing not to go the route of drug addiction didn't free me from the depression and suicidal tendencies, it just kept me alive.  I finally made a different choice - that suicide was not an option, and that being happy was my preferred choice. 

When we make a decision, heaven and earth move.  That's when things change, and we no longer operate from the same neural net pathways in our brain that are hardwired chemically to our body.  We decide to make a different decision, a different observation or have a different perspective.  The observer affects the observed in the quantum field.  When we make a decision - one of those true "that's it, I've had it, enough is enough" decisions, and stick with it, then the observer (us) has changed the observation on the quantum field, which changes our reality to match our observation.  Cool.

Yes, as soon as I read that you "create the possibility of . . . ", I knew you had probably done some Landmark Education.  I actually thought that you might have done some Landmark before reading that part in your article, but I was sure when I read the part about creating possibility.  I love Landmark.  A few years ago, when I was still in Virginia (before moving to WA), I did the Forum, the Advanced Course, a couple of seminars, and part of SELP (nope, didn't complete the course, as it is structured anyway).

When you said that most of us see ourselves as creator gods and goddesses, well . . . perhaps there is still a lot of theory involved in most people's understanding of themselves as such - or else I don't think there would be so much struggling involved . . . well, come to think of it, it doesn't seem that there would be any struggling involved, when we really know/remember who we are.  Then we are no longer "identified" with being the limited human.  If you're no longer a limited human, where's the struggle?  For me, I think the "ultimate" darkness is not knowing who you are . . . really.

Being identified with an altered ego (the polarized, limited human personality) is like being identified with the positive or negative poles of a magnet, when in reality, who you are is the entire magnet, with your centeredness, or god-head, in the neutrality of, or integrated aspect of the middle of the magnet.  And, when I say "neutrality", I do not imply a lack of care (not that you would necessarily infer that).

I especially liked your last paragraph in Part 3.  I too am learning to choose to be happy, joy, and hope, even though the apparent circumstances sometimes are not all that my personality would like them to be.  If I remain dependent on circumstances in order to be happy, joyful, etc., then I will always be a victim to, subject to, or dependent upon the circumstances. There is no freedom in that.  There may be short periods of apparent freedom or happiness, but not true, lasting, forever freedom.

Well, that's it for now.  Oh, and I really enjoy your writing style.  You are a good writer - glad you plan to do more.

To the future now of joy & freedom,

Jonathan's answer:

thanks so much for taking the time to write such an extensive e-mail as a
response to my article.  You're in depth exploration of my experiences, and your connection to them, is very gratifying and appreciated.  I'm glad you could relate, and that it made some sense for you.  I can certainly agree, from my own experience, that the ultimate darkness is not knowing who you are.

Take care, and do stay in touch.

Hello Jonathan,

I have just read article 2 & 3 of "Suicide Is Not an Option." Bravo,  Brilliant, Amazing.  Just Wonderful. Words are not adequate to convey my thoughts and feelings, but what did pop into my thoughts was.... whose time has come".  I think the missing word must be Understanding whose time has come.

We have to understand all that we  go through in order to be able to move on. It is not enough to feel it and experience 'it', in order to fully get a handle on it we need to be able to think it, feel it, experience it and understand it, from within and from without also.  It is the writing of it that seems to draw all of these parts together, and the reading of it that brings understanding and integration.  I am thinking inside and outside, both are fathomed here.

Perhaps one has to have lived what you write to fully appreciate your articles on  depression and suicide.  I wondered when reading if it is a 'male thing' to want to plan it all so meticulously, I know that I didn't plan anything, it was the complete overwhelm and hopelessness and feeling so trapped of how I was feeling made me just go and take a knife from the kitchen  planning at all for me.

I had wondered at earlier times the best way to  do it ~ never did come up with any 'best way' though.  and I had the same  thought as you did, if it happened I knew I would regret it instantly too.  That didn’t stop me though, but someone or something did prevent me from  making a very good job of my attempt and I am  soooooooo happy about that now, because as I write  this to you there seems to have been a massive shift in our world in recent  days and weeks, and it truly does feel like a new beginning and that 'our  time has come' and by that I mean that our understanding of all of this is  now going to help many others in their process. Our real work just begins I  am thinking.

The Light IS integrating with the Dark. We ARE that balance  that we seek.  I wish I could draw pictures or something similar to better convey all of this, and this is a shift in me also, words have always been enough, now they are not.

Last night i got annoyed with myself for  putting someone else first ~ yet
again ~ this is an ongoing learning process  for us both it seems.  But being conscious of it now means that each day is  a learning curve and The Light Is Shining. :)

Glad you have found  your way home to your favorite places on your favourite ocean.

Love  and LIGHT


It's crazy that you wrote piece (suicide not an option). crazier still that
I could sit here with my alleged AAD and read all three segfments. unusal
that I found it at all, let alone my feeling I could have author it as well.
thank you. now I am smiling.

mike b


I just read your suicide articles. I’m not even sure how I got on to the webpage. I’m right where you were in the articles where you felt stuck, almost paralyzed. In all truth I don’t know why I’m even writing. This all started for me about 4 years ago. Anyway, thank you for putting that out there. As silly as it is it gave me a sense of calm to read it.


Jonathan’s reply:

Thanks for writing... it helps to get feedback, and it is certainly good to know that my experience and all that I wrote about was of value to you. The main tools that I used in processing through this was the Keys of Compassion... that and constantly realigning myself when I was stuck in "some things horribly wrong here" to a point of view that everything is as it supposed to be, and pain is not bad, it has value if I just look for it.

By the way, you're not the first person to not know how he ended up on our web site!

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