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Comments and Q & A on Facing the Fear of Commitment


Jelaila,

I happened across your "Facing the Fear of Commitment" article this morning. It helped me understand myself a little better. I have been dating my partner for about 5 months and our relationship has been wonderful. I'm 33 years old and have had my share of relationships, but this one has been a blessing to me on so many levels. However, I have a fear of commitment. I have noticed that whomever I date, about 4-5 months into the relationship, I start pulling away, being less intimate, having doubts, and wondering what in the world is wrong with me and why I start pushing them away.  It's a cycle and I want to break it so desperately, but do not know how.

I have been to counselors before and they have helped some. The last counselor told me that my self preservation instinct kicked on sometime in my life and has yet to shut down. When I start getting close to someone it will kick in and I start pushing my partner away. After reading your article, I realized that yes it is an emotional block and I have to face my fears and give myself room to grow and change this part of my emotional psyche that is no longer helping me. I have a good life and have been blessed and am wanting to share my life with my partner.

Thank you again for posting this article. I just wanted you to know it helped.

Thank you,
Shelley H.

Wow..

What else can I say?  Thank you for being so open, so willing to express your lessons, weaknesses( which apparently are truly strengths!) and awarenesses with all of us!  Too often in the meta/spiritual/newagey community people get so wrapped up in being spiritual, starseed, teacher , etc they forget this Earth is a perfect place to learn and grow.. (and I should know, I do it all too often ;))  Ego gets in the way and makes one think that denial is "that river I walked by as a priest/ess many lifetimes ago"  ;) ( We can't possibly have lessons to learn here if we were "all that" back then.. or even now ;) ) 

Seriously.. many thanks for sharing your life and lessons here.  Your frankness and openness makes a big impression on this lil soul... makes me feel a little less burdened by those occasional lessons that creep up, as well as more willing to listen to the messages or symbolic meanings behind them.  

Danke greatly! 
Heidi

Dear Jelaila,

Wow! (I echo Hiedi and Isis!). A very powerful story Jelaila and one that has me thinking and asking what your story "mirrors" for me and why it made me cry?  Funny too, a ring is in my story.     My ring is a "mother's ring" and motherhood has been my lifelong commitment and promise to the Universe. I say "promise" for I feel I took on motherhood as a spiritual endevor. It has been, BTW, mostly sweet. But of course their have been many lessons as well...Great story Jelaila! 

Love,
Kathy

Hi,

I just read the article -- it was great.  I can totally relate.  The day I married my first husband, I pulled out all my eyelashes (they hurt!!) -- I had to go to my reception wearing false ones.

For a few years after that I suffered on & off with a spastic stomach.  It went away after we split up.  (Unlike you, I didn't hang in there.)I did the co-dependent thing with my second husband until it became life-threatening (to me) & got out of that, as well.

Afterwards, I chose inappropriate people - too young, emotionally unavailable, involved with other people,etc., so the commitment thing wasn't an issue.  Then, I was afraid to trust my own judgment, given my history of picking men who weren't right for me.

After many years of working on myself, I finally feel like I could handle a healthy, loving relationship and add to it.  However, the more enlightened I become, the slimmer the pickings.  I don't want to be with just anyone.  I want to be with someone terrific.  Any ideas on how to manifest that?  Love, Susan

Jelaila’s Answer:

Yes, I have a suggestion.  Make a list of all the things you want in a man and keep it in your purse, and by your bed.  Read it often.  I did this and it is how I attracted my lifemate.  And guess what?  He matched everything I had on the list!

Way to go Jelaila,

I saw my Mother and Father fight it out in our front yard for the first time when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was completely terrified and confused. They wound up divorcing when I was 16 and never resolved their issue with each other. I told myself then that I understood and wished them well but maybe I really didn't. I remember  having a terrible stomach pain just two days before I got married at age 19. My mother said it was nerves due to getting married. It reoccurred several times during that marriage and still happens to this day although rarely & not as severe as then. 

Well, three disastrous marriages to date and I'm still single. I've already told you about the self righteousness part. And all the time I was a very well enlightened person with knowledge that I was creating the outcomes. I've been really hoping lately that whatever the issue was would come up so looks like it may  be nailed. Fixing it's the easy part. I don't know what I'd do with out you Jelaila :)  Sometimes I wonder if I didn't dream you up just to help me. 

As a matter of fact, I was just today reading Sassy's post about her problem on the DNA recoding forum board. I started writing her an answer before I stopped and said to myself, what I'm about to tell her not to do is exactly what I'm about to do and what Jelaila advised me not to do. So I trashed it and forgot about it until I saw your email tonight And when I saw the subject of the article, I thought to myself, "boy that girl must be physic or something" :)

I'm really learning good here thanks to you hun (that's Texan slang, you better practice). I've been having great time. I put a bungie cord in my dog leash for when me and my dog Hooch and I go Roller Blading (he pulls and just get drug) and it's working wonders for my little back pain :) and oh yeh, In case your wondering why I was so happy to be a white Dragon....I was just relieved I didn't turn out to be one of those short ass Arcturians :)

Oh well...if there's anything else you can do for me, just let me know :) and I'll surely see you and Jonathan here in Texas soon. (I dreaming that one up too)

P.S ...You can edit my silly humor and post this as a comment if you want but if you don't I will. 

With Great Love, Praise & Gratitude, 
Randy T. (White Dragon Man)

Comments on Facing the Fear of Being Real 
 

 

Dear Jelaila,

I just read your article on The Fear of Being Real.  It hit home with me today.  Lately, I have been noticing major changes in my life.  Changes occurring in all areas of my life: Spiritual, emotional, physical and mental.  These changes have been very intense.  All my life I have hid behind a mask made for everyone else to like.  All my life I have compromised my own wants and needs for those of others I wished to connect with.

Something happened to me this week...I found my inner voice.  I have been in an unhealthy relationship for the past three months.  Yesterday morning I made a decision to let it go.  I stood up to my fear and embraced my emotions.  I wrapped my arms around myself and took a step further in my quest to find "me".  I did something that I have never done on my own.  Never in my life have I been able to let go of something with out the assistance of outside influences or ulterior motifs.  I am sad and scared and lonely, but, it is not as difficult as I had prepared myself for.

So many things have inspired me in the past 8 months.  I am starting to feel that happiness that I used to feel as a child when I ran around the grass and dirt chasing my dreams and materializing my imagination.  I must thank you for telling me and anyone who cares, that we are not alone.

Love,
sara

Jelaila,

This article is right in tune with some very powerful realizations that are going on with me right now too.  I had a dream last night that let me see how pervasive this sort of fear had been in my life. After analyzing it, I realized that I don't want people to be nice to me out of fear, obligation, or for any other reason other than genuine honesty.  This is a real breakthrough for me because my family background is one of intense social insecurity. This has resulted in the use of 'niceness' or 'status' to win people's approval. The interesting thing is, is that once this approval is won, it is of NO use whatsoever. In fact, I believe it has been altogether toxic because it is fear based. The love that is healthy is the kind that grows out of the soil and the soul of realness in the present . The soil is the long hard result of a life lived with mistakes and victories, worked through in a long continuum of time, composted and fertile with experience and compassion. The soul is the divine inner light. 

In my musings this morning, I coined the phrase "sincere fakery" to describe the kind of approval that I DON"T WANT. It is 'sincere' because people are acting from a positive transference of the child that they are inside to a projection of their 'ideal parent' onto me and the FEELINGS are real. It is fake because these feelings have nothing to do with me and really belong to the archetypal image inside their own psyche of the 'perfect parent'.  First of all, I could never live up to the perfection of being their perfect parent, and secondly I AM NOT THEIR PARENT , I am only me. I am a completely different unique person and if somebody loves me I want to be loved for who I am and not because they see in me somebody else who is very important to them. WHEW! What a relief to finally get this one out!  What an altogether blessed relief. 

So I analyze this dream while unloading bag after bag of oak leaves and mulching the two apple trees, the cherry tree, and the pear tree , muttering all of this to myself as I go along....  Then I go inside, cook up some wonderful rice, quinau, and amaranth pancakes for Cyrus and Michael and myself, and answer the phone to explain to a friend my amazing findings. Then I am opening up the forum and the first thing I go to is your article on being real.  Thanks Jelaila for your courage and your honesty and your generosity and caring.   We are healing ourselves and dancing our sacred dream awake one step at a time alone and together. 

Love,
Cynthia

Jelaila...

I appreciate your Fear of Being Real essay. I am very happy you had this experience and the courage and foresight to share it with others. Only when we share our "clay feet" do we honor that we are all here to experience hu-manness and masks and fear are part of the whole.

I will be honest and say that I almost unsubscribed you from my email because I sensed there was more that you had to learn. Your arrogance and "perfection" were coming through and I could not take time to deal with it because I don't deal well with peoples' masks. Congratulations for taking yours off and showing us how real you are!!

Sally

Hi Jelaila!

Thank you so much for the article! It really hit home! It makes so much sense, seems to be such a simple concept --yet I never really saw it like this before! And such timing! I had just been thinking about what I could be doing to "progress". I see it as my next step(s).  (I swear, I have so many masks I'm surprised I'm not schizophrenic!! :)  Kudos to you for working through this --and for sharing! Many blessings to you in this most wonderful new year!

Love,
Steve

Hi Jelaila,

I just finished reading your article. I noticed you didn't use the word ego at all. Seems to me, ego is the gasoline that moves us to desire to be perfect. In this case, ego proved to be healthy in helping you to enjoy your simple humanness...

...I liked the article very much and I appreciate your sincerity. You know I'm not into "lessons" but I believe you "experienced" a "remembrance" of just how loving human beings can be when inspired, and that's a good thing indeed. I think the human capacity to love is the greatest in the universe. You got a small sampling. I wish everyone on the planet could have a piece. A good thought for the day. 

Love you Jelaila, 
Moon Rose

Jelaila, 

Thanks for taking the time to write your article and post it! I thought it was very good.  What I was impressed with when I read it was the maturity that both you and the group you described engaged in! Too often instead of taking off our masks and admitting we are just scared little humans- we get defensive or attracting when things are uncomfortable. I have seen lots of opportunity for the kind of meeting you described- but it does not always happen for sure. You and all of the other folks there must really be doing the work. How lovely! 

Thanks again for sharing. I have spent all week trying to "be real" with a very scared and defensive coworker without going into distancing professional mode. How successful I have or have not been I do not know- but your article and finding it today was a lovely message from the Universe that my thoughts are on the right track and to hang in there.  Hope you are well.  Blessings   

Cerri

Comments and Q & A on Facing the Fear of Controversy

Hi Jelaila,

I just read your article about dealing with controversy. I must say I needed  to read about your lesson.  I have been going through a hard time with my son and he seems to be doing all the wrong things to me to get me angry with him. I have been trying to ignore him and get on with my life, but he still makes me angry, because of his lack of caring of what happens to him or me.

He tell me that I am good to him, but he thinks I am the wacko, because I believe in E.T.'s. I have 2 other grown children and I'm sure they think I'm wacko too!  My oldest daughter has not spoken or seen me in over 5 years and that is her wishes not mine. I know I have compassion for all my children, but they do not seem to have any for me. All 3 of them must be my greatest teacher and love me the most.  I just wish it would not pain me in the heart so much, when I feel they do not love me. 

I am looking forward to receiving your books in the mail a long with the liver cleanse. Lately everything I do seems to be going wrong. I could give a big list, but I do not want to cry about it because I know everyone has their own problems.

Your Chat Room on Monday nights is late our time, so I did not stay long on line. It was my first time, so I did not know how the forum went. I will know better next time.

The question I asked was are walk ins strategically placed over the planet to help with the ascension?

Please keep up your positive work. You are helping us a long. My husband is also reading your material. He was the one who directed me to your controversy article.

Much love and light support,
Ruth and Grant.

Jelaila’s Reply:

Yes, I believe they are strategically placed around the planet to help with the ascension.

Jelaila,

I read with interest your article on controversy.  I work in an alternative high school and had a student similar to your Renee.  I used the non -response method with her also to good effect.  But I must say that in some situations once must respond.  Being a teacher, I am obliged to assert my authority on occasion for the sake of the other students in a class.  Again, the key for me is to remain cool--my lesson.  I have bookmarked your web page and look forward to learning more about and from you.  I am a member of the Ashtar Trinities headquartered in Sedona.

Best wishes,
Robert Wilson

Jelaila’s Reply:

Thanks for your feedback. I agree with you, there are times when we must respond and you are right that how we respond (staying cool) is the key.  Thanks!  Say hello to the Ashtar Trinity people for me, okay?

Hello Jelaila,

In response to your story of the experience with the passive aggressive hurting woman, I have been working with myself on a similar issue and I want to share a perspective that came to me in the process.  I was provoked into frustration and rage ... all not very pretty stuff ...and gradually found I had to step back to defend what I was thinking was my integrity.  That is, I was acting out almost as if the other person were holding strings on me.  I was angry and frustrated and ashamed of myself.  There was also bodily discomfort and pain to go with it ... from my inner guides I was told that the pain was the result of myself not wanting to recognize my Lost Will ...the parts of me in the shadow of my own rejection ... so that as I was hating the person I was turning into, this was a reflection of what the other person was being that was so upsetting to me.

I approached those Lost Will parts of myself and apologized for judging and rejecting them ... I asked them to accept my love and to come out of the dark into the warmth and light of my heart and to be the part of me that they knew they were.  They replied that if I would heal them in that way, they would heal me.  I immediately stopped having any trouble with the person outside in that same way.  I believe the person outside who was provocative of the pain was only pointing me to the parts of me I did not want to bring into my love. 

This is my idea of a living example of the polarity integration.  Because those horrible reflections were reflections of denied parts of me, mirrored in the energy vampire behavior outside of me but triggering me ... I wound up feeling compassion and love for those lost parts of myself.  When you expressed here your compassion for this woman, I could see her lost child hiding behind her bitterness and provocativeness ... and she is also Lost Will in the sense that she is representing the dark side that we reject as a preference for being the love and the light side of things.  To heal the polarities into balance would mean to take in her as well as the lost parts of ourselves that she represented ... now I see I am getting confused ... it is late and I am sleepy.  Thank you for this great and brave story ...I believe that woman is me ... but not all of me ... just the lost or rejected or judged or abandoned parts of me that then take the form of the expectations of the others ...Sometimes it is very lonely to play that kind of role in the lives of other people ... I do not want to tolerate or even encourage anyone to play that role in my life ... but as long as I deny parts of me, I will see that reminder somewhere around.  Or so I was told when I turned to the inner guides for understanding ...Bless ...Maggie

Jelaila,

Thank you for being "real" - I like the tone much better. I can't relate to the "love and light" tone, for the very reason that you mentioned at the end of your article: We need to know that integrated people are not just "love and light" but are the whole range of human emotions, within a balanced context.  Thanks for your ongoing work. 

SkyeEagle

Hi Jelaila,

We have someone in our lives that is very much like Renee.  We started by ignoring her and still are.  We used to be friends, but she was just too radical!  The "everyone is out to get me" syndrome.  Anyway, always have had feelings of compassion towards her, but when she chain-sawed the gate at 5:30 one morning it took a long time to process.  It was not our gate, but a gate we had put up to keep one neighbor's cows from going into another neighbor's property and destroying their garden, bushes and front yard.  The gate installation was legal and we felt we were just doing a good deed for our next door neighbors.  But Joyce thought otherwise. 

Just prior to the chain-saw incident Joyce angrily confronted us about the gate, and said it had to be removed because it was blocking her right of way (which it wasn't).  I remember asking her, "Where is your sense of compassion for the Bakers' property?"  What a mistake that was!  It just made her angrier (-- she saw the Baker's as a threat to the neighborhood).  She drove off screaming that she was going to cut the gate down.  And, sure enough, she did just that --- a couple of weeks later just before sunrise.  All of this was about two years ago.  There were a couple of minor "skirmishes" after the gate incident and we did not see her for a while.  Then, on our anniversary last March, as we were headed out to dinner, a county sheriff pulled into our driveway to question us about Joyce.  She had called the sheriff's department to have them give us a ticket for installing the gate.  And this was AFTER the gate had been cut down!

Then she wanted the sheriff's deputy to give the Willoughby's (another neighbor) a "ticket" because their house was too big!  (The Willoughbys' have a cedar barnhouse whose first floor is very wide because Pete Willoughby stores his ultra-light airplane there.) 

It was at this point in the conversation when our next door neighbor and close friend, Teresa, walked down from her house to relate some stories about Joyce.  (Joyce's property is on the north side of Teresa's.)  I remember Teresa looking at us and the sheriff's deputy and saying (about Joyce):  "She MUST be miserable, don't you reckon?"  (Joyce lives by herself, drives an 18-wheeler for a living and is pretty much a loner.)  It was about this time that another Henderson County deputy's patrol car drove by --- with Joyce sitting in the back seat.  As the second deputy was taking her back up to her house I tried to make eye contact with her, but she just looked away.  After a few more minutes of conversation with the first deputy we all realized that Joyce "had a screw loose".  But then as we pulled out of the driveway to go to dinner we both felt  sorrow and compassion for her.  We felt her pain, her loneliness and her soul's genuine desire for love and attention.

Since last March we haven't seen or spoken with Joyce.  We figure she just wants to be by herself and make as few waves as possible.  Perhaps , from her perspective, this was a humbling experience and she in her own way is integrating her "dark" side.

Writing the above words reminds me of another, very brief, experience that I (Beck) would like to share with you and Jonathan. I don't know if you are familiar with David Icke's latest book, THE BIGGEST SECRET.  In this book he documents, in detail, how "the same interconnecting bloodlines have controlled the planet for thousands of years" and "how they created all the major religions and suppressed the spiritual and esoteric knowledge that will set humanity free from its mental and emotional prisons."   His book is certain to be controversial, particularly for the mainstream.  Chapter headings include:  "Don't mention the Reptiles", "The Babylonian Brotherhood", "Rule Britannia", "Same face, different mask" and "Satan's children". 

After buying the book and bringing it home I flipped through the pages quickly, my eyes stopping on some illustrations (on page 198) of reptiles.  Clive Barrows produced these illustrations from descriptions by people who see the reptiles of the lower fourth dimension.  They appear to attach by two of the lower chakras.  Anyway, I wasn't ready to begin reading the book at that particular moment, so I closed it and set it on my desk upstairs.  But as I walked out of the room to go downstairs, tears literally rolled down my eyes, uncontrollably.  This totally involuntary action only lasted a few seconds and took me by surprise.  (I'm the MENTAL one, ya' know; Virginia is more emotional than me.)  When I got downstairs I told Virginia about this and she asked, "Were you thinking about Joyce?"  I said, "No, I was just thinking about the Reptiles and the difficult and challenging role they (their souls) have chosen to play." 

In a strange kind of way I felt "good" about this brief, tearful expression.  Because I tend to "get into my head" a lot, to FEEL compassion and appreciation for the Joyce's (and the Renee's) of this world was ... well, ONEderful.  Perhaps these were tears of integration.  Perhaps I cried momentarily for the Reptilian in ME.  Please feel free to comment, if you like.

An interesting update to the above experience:    Last weekend I just "happened" to bump into David Icke at a conference in Las Vegas.  We only had a couple of minutes of conversation, and I asked him if he had read your book, WE ARE THE NIBIRUANS.  He said he had not heard of it.  I told him I would send him a copy, for which he thanked me in advance.  (Gotta seize the opportunity to share the "rest of the story" --- i.e.  the higher perspective --- ya' know wud I mean?!!!)

In closing, Virginia and I both want to again express our gratitude for what you and Jonathan are doing.  We have learned a lot since the workshop in Kansas City (just before you got married).  We are much more accepting of each other and are still learning/expressing every day.  Some day there will be a new edition of Webster's Dictionary that will have your names included in the definition of the word COURAGE.  We all admire your strength and are grateful that you are setting a new standard for fearlessness everyday.  Thank you for sharing your stories. We love you! Beck  and  Virginia

Jelaila’s Reply:

What great stories!  thank you so much for sharing them.  As for Joyce, yes there are entities attached. Thanks for pointing that out.  I had forgotten all about that (I read David's book).  That must be the case with Renee too.  I agree, they (reptilians) have a difficult role to play in helping us learn to take back our power.

As for David Icke never hearing of our book, I must disagree with him.  A gentleman in England had a meeting with him and gave him our book several months ago. The guy wrote to me explaining what he had done and commented that he didn't feel that David was ready for integration, so therefore, even though he expressed interest in the book, he probably didn't read it.  Still,  having it brought into his awareness several times by different people must be part of the plan, that is if there is no such thing as coincidence and everything happens for a reason, what do you think?

Thanks for hanging in there with us through this great earth transition. May I post some of your letter on the comments page for the Controversy article?  I feel others would greatly benefit from your Joyce expereince as well as your David Icke connection.  We are getting many inquires about him and it would help a lot.  Please give Virginia a hug for me, okay?

Dearest Friend:

 I have read your article on facing the fear of controversy.  I absolutely loved it!!!!  I, myself, have been through a similar situation.  I was married to an alcoholic.  For many years I wasn't aware that he drank secretly, just knew that he was angry alot ((thought it was me)).    I kept trying to talk to him, trying to understand.  Now I know I was just feeding him.   When I decided to take my power back things began to change.  He is now sober and working and my/our children are so very proud of him....and so am I.  Although I do not love him as a husband, I love him as a human being.  And many times over I have thanked him (in spirit) for being my greatest teacher.  This was also a grand lesson for my children -- as painful as it was to watch them go through the process of loving unconditionally and without strings attached. 

Although it took me many years to learn to deal with my xhusband  (there was so much fear around finances) I must tell you that before that my second born is disabled.  Until he was five years old I was an emotional and physical wreck!!  I had panic attacks, lost tons of weight and had problems with my heart and I was only in my 30's.  Then one day while I was raking the fall leaves It hit me, like a bolt of lightening.  That night I told my son, as he slept, that if he was going to survive, he was going to have to make it on his own.  I would not give him anymore of my energy.  I would only love him.  Within about 6 months, my panic attacks subsided.  I started gaining weight.  And while sitting under my favorite tree I had a vision about a past life that helped make my situation more understandable.  (And I love trees!!!). 

Thanks for your time, I love your down-to-earth practical advice.   Blessings to you, the Nibiruan Council, and Mother Earth. 

Love and Light to All,
Linda

Hi Jelaila!

I love that you share, and we can learn from it and grow with you!!! And from your article I can see why most yogis go and live in caves at a certain point.  Heheheheh!  I have found that most groups have one obnoxious person who tries to take over and ruin it for everyone.  So I just don't get involved with groups anymore.  I chickened out....  You are very brave.  There seems to be a fine line between respecting yourself enough to not let your self get stepped on and walked all over, and the anger syndrome.  The Buddhists say there are 4 ways to deal with a situation.  You start with one of them and if it doesn't work, go to the next, and so on.  And anger and wiping out the situation is the very last.  If the person is physically attacking you, you would have to do something other than stand there and take it, or if they were attacking your child.  It is tricky to know when to do what. 

Sue


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